I Don't Know!!!

I have always loved Will Ferrell; however, people say when you have seen one Ferrell movie you have seen them all.  I beg to differ.  My largest argument?  Casa de mi Padre!  If you have not seen this film, you need to check it out.  Strange, odd, hilarious, and ALL FERRELL!

Alabama Shakes

Have you ever sat and wondered what it would sound like if Otis Redding and Janis Joplin had a baby? Your wasted time is over and it was well worth the wait:



You gotta hoooooooold on...MH

The High School Years Chapter 2.3

Chapter 2.3

One other incident stands in my mind about our senior year. Matt, though big and brave and strong, is pretty much a big chicken when it comes to anything involving heights or haunted house type events. I got a hair brained idea that we should go to the local Jaycees Haunted House for Halloween one year. Matt did not feel really comfortable with the idea. This is a guy that will not even watch a scary movie because the impact on him lasts forever. He is still afraid to go out swimming even in a pool after watching Jaws almost 30 years ago! But being the supportive friend that he has always been, Matt knew that Halloween was my favorite time of the year. He also knew that I really wanted to go to the haunted house and he was the only one that would really go with me that was worth the while. The only others being my twin sister and her friends, which wouldn’t have been that entertaining for me to begin with. So we jumped into my mother’s Ford Aerostar Van (growing up I made the mistake several times by calling it a Ford Aerosmith before I had discovered that Aerosmith was actually a rock band) and headed for the local haunted house.

During this time period Jaycees was the coolest and scariest place to go during Halloween. It was held in a very cool and very scary ancient two story house out in a patch of woods. Every year I would go to this location and pay to be creeped out. Ironically, my cousin had been born in this house when he was younger and my uncle had sold it, finally it eventually became the house of horror it was at this time.

The haunted houses were usually well crafted. They would devote a room to a scary scene that was popular during the time period. Jason, Freddy, werewolves, and Hellraiser were often popular selections and they never let down. Each year, the house was not complete unless it had a dark, dark maze you had to walk through before you exited. Though annoying, this added to the creepy vibe that was a necessity in order for the house to be a success. Let’s just say that I loved every minute and ate it all up. Matt on the other did not feel so excited about such a thing.

Well, the night we went was dark and cold. The ground was a little warmer than the surrounding air temperature and there was a slight fog coming off of it into the night air. Matt and I pulled up into the parking lot of the haunted house. I was eager to enter the fun filled home. Matt on the other hand seemed to be searching for some excuse in the back of his head to make a run for it and break away.

As we both scanned the filled parking lot, we noticed a few of our other friends. Right at the moment I do not recall specifically who these individuals were. I just know there were other individuals there that we knew and hung out with. I do remember one individual in particular that was there though. His name was Jon Beal.

Jon was a different sort of individual, a true country boy. He lived in the dark regions between Walnut Point and Centralia and his parents owned and operated their own orchard. Jon always attended school in a pair of Wrangler blue jeans, a cowboy hat or green John Deer hat, and a pair of worn out cowboy boots. Overall, Jon was really a nice guy and Matt and I pretty much liked Jon. I even grew pretty close to him our senior year of high school because he seemed REAL as most high school students struggle with just who they are.

Now, I do not remember everything from the haunted house in detail, but what I do remember during my encounters within the building were pretty simple ones. Matt would get scared, cling to me, and I would have to do my best to continue pulling him from room to room. The maze was the most difficult part as it was completely dark within and you could not see anything in front of you, around you, or simply where it was you were going. Add on top of that a man of over 200 pounds leeched onto your back and becoming part of your every move and you pretty much have slug type going. The main thing that I remember was the last room in the haunted house.

It had been a difficult run. Both dealing with Jon Beal’s silly comments and simply doing my best to keep Matt from loosing his sanity and bolting through the haunted house in a frightened frenzy. But after around a half an hour, we reached the end of our journey. Each year Jaycees would use a made up spokesman, someone they created to represent the house of horror they were selling to the public. The individual made for such a case was named Slimin Simon. Slimin Simon usually was found at the beginning of the haunted house and would greet the visitors as they came in. He was basically a skeleton of some sort that had a see through torso. Sometimes he was clothed while other times he was just bare bones. His voice was pretty much a rip off copy of the Crypt Keeper from the television series Tales From the Crypt. His responsibility was mainly to set the tone the visitors would be getting during their visit and he would also go over the rules of the haunted house. He was also noted for spitting or shooting water into the crowd before sending them on their way to continue their voyage in to the unknown reaches of the haunted structure. However, this year there was no Slimin Simon visible at the beginning. Why? He was there to say goodbye at the end.

As we came to the last room of the haunted house, our guide had us all gather around a small opening in the wall covered with chicken wire. The hole was completely dark and no one wanted to stand close to its location. However, the room already being small in size, forced everyone close to it and at least one part of their body was brushing up against the chicken wire. Matt was terrified and I was a tad bit scared to though I didn’t admit it at the time.

A loud hum sounded and a light began to glow from the hole in the wall. Everyone turned their attention to the hole to see Slimin Simon staring right back at them. He began to talk something about enjoying the evening and the haunted house. Everyone was wide eyed, some in laughter, some in curiosity, some in readiness to exit the confinements of the haunted house. It was almost over except for the fact that Simon had one more surprise for his audience.

“I hope you enjoyed your visit this year.” Simon barked out from behind the confinements of the chicken wire. “But a visit would not be complete without one of my good friends saying goodbye in his own special way.”

Just then the sound effects from the movie Friday the 13th filled the air. “Ma…Ma…Ma…Ki…Ki…Kill.” This was enough to send my best friend into a fit of fierce fear rage. It was enough to get me to pull my face closer to the chicken wire, not wanting to miss any special effects or certain great displays of gore.

“Jason!” Simon’s voice rang out just as a man dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a chainsaw came tearing out of the wooded scene behind him.

“Cool.” I said leaning in closer wanted to soak it all up. Matt had other plans.

“Move!” He yelled as he began to shove. I put both arms out to not only stop him, but hold everyone back behind me. Somehow in all of the shuffling around, I was first and now blocking the door. I smiled knowing that I held all the power.

“No. I don’t want to miss this!” I said watching Jason come closer with the chainsaw. Now being a lover of horror films, Jason does not really use a chainsaw, it is not his weapon of choice. A machete yes. A chainsaw, no. That would be Leatherface. But not wanting to ruin the mood, not that anyone would have really wanted to hear about my mindless observation anyway, I kept to myself. That’s when the noise came.

From behind the group, Jason erupted from the Simon room via a secret door and into the hallway. His chainsaw blared as he revved it up continuously. He was coming after the group with great gusto. I stood there with a huge smile upon my face. This was great! Matt continued to shove at my arms, his eyes the size of swollen bellies filled with White Castle goodness as he eyed the door that housed access to his freedom and sanity.

“Move!” He screamed again throwing more of his weight towards me. Again I held my ground. This was too much fun.

“No.” I responded.

“Now!” He screamed. I knew Matt was about to reach his breaking point. Just a few seconds longer and I would have let him and the others out. I never got that choice by personal means. Instead, a painful objection came from my arm. I looked down to my right arm which was now screaming out to my brain in pain. What I saw was something that I did not expect at all.

Matt was biting me!

“What the heck do you think you are doing?” I screamed out as I pulled my arm free of his mouth. Matt needed no other opportunity. He saw both of my arms were free of the wall and shoved me with all of his might. I went flying through the exit door, Matt with me.

We landed in a huge heap onto the muddy ground outside of the house. Those people still outside awaiting to go in jumped back in horror as we rolled around a bit to gain our composure. Matt was still looking back at the exit door making sure that Jason had not pursued him with the chainsaw. Jason did stick his head and blade out of the door for one final threatening gesture, and then returned back to his location to await his next group of victims. I looked over at Matt who then made eye contact with me. People around us began to laugh and make comments about how much of wimps we were for being so scared. I smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Jerk.” He said as he stood up and began to knock the mud from his jeans.

“Jerk?” I screamed half in question and half in exclamation. “You are the one who bit me.” I glanced down at my arm to see teeth indentions upon my skin. Lucky for us both, Matt had not broken the skin. His wire braces were not as powerful as I had given them credit for. Matt walked over and looked at my arm. He seemed genuinely concerned.

“You okay?” He asked. It was at that point that I saw Jon Beal walking over to talk with a couple of girls. I didn’t want to wait around to talk any longer while Mr. Beal still roamed the area. I nodded my head and we headed for the van and left the parking lot.

This was the last time that Matt and I ever went to a “fake” haunted house ever again.  It did show the dedication of our friendship that Matt proved time and time again.  He was always willing, and still is to this day, to step out of his own comfort zone for his friends.  For me.  That is true bravery.

 Now, notice how I quoted the term “fake”? We would soon experience some REAL paranormal activity and a little BIRD!

Nobody caught me...

Yes I did...MH

The High School Years Chapter 2.2

Chapter 2.2

The High School Years

Senior year also contained our first ruts and tests of our friendship. Matt and I are both competitive individuals. We have to be the best at what we do and we do usually anything within our own powers to attain that title. Matt and I ended up having first hour PE class together, which ended up being both a blessing and a curse. One of the cool and weird aspects of the class was it only contained straight seniors and straight freshman students. This was just asking for trouble if you ask me. Though I remembered how I was treated as a freshman and vowed not to make the same inhumane mistakes on my fellow man, a little teasing would not hurt that much…could it?

Matt and I had a blast in that class. Playing sports and just hanging out acting like guys. The down side was his girlfriend Karen was also in the class with us. We still got to act up though in the locker room area or when the class would be divided and Karen would not be part of the activity we were a part of.

One of the things we would do in the locker room was just down right crazy, but this exhibits one of Matt’s greatest traits…his supreme sense of strength! Every day, Matt and I would case the locker room talking to the freshman students looking for what we called a “subject”. This “subject” was Matt’s test for the day. What Matt would do was take the student, place one hand on his upper chest region and the other hand near his crotch region, then press the student up above his head. The guerilla press! We would guess how many times Matt would be able to press each student and then he would go for it and we would all see how close we were to our estimates. Matt never hurt anyone and he would always place the kid down unharmed with a huge smile and a pat on the back. He pressed every freshman student in the locker room that year. His greatest challenge however was the great John Pas.

During this time period, Matt had gained a bit of weight going into his senior year. He was still under six feet tall but weighed well over 200 pounds. Now he was large in stature, but surprisingly most of his bulk seemed to be actual muscle. This was why he was able to press all of the freshmen over his head well with ease. Johnny Pass was another story entirely.

Johnny pretty much equaled Matt in size and stature, but his mass was not muscle, but rolling, areas of fat. Seeing Johnny during PE on that day, I knew this was a test of true strength, something that Matt needed to attempt. So I picked out his challenge.

I never will forget the look on Matt’s face when I pointed to Johnny and said “Him.” His mouth dropped open and his face almost turned pale sheet white. Usually no one paid any attention to our tests of strength, but this particular one caught everyone’s attention rather quickly. All eyes were upon Matt. I almost felt bad for putting him in such a predicament. There was no backing down now, it had to be done.

Matt grabbed the clavicle area of Johnny with one hand and his crotch with the other. He let out an inhumane grunt and pushed Johnny into the air. At first, the enormous freshman seemed to waiver, I knew someone was going to get hurt. Then I saw Matt close his eyes as he began to concentrate on the situation. Up Johnny rose and I watched in awe as Matt began to press him one of three separate times. Matt set Johnny down rather quickly bending over and resting his hands upon his knees. He did not give the usual pat on the back, but gave Johnny a smile and let off some sarcastic comment about him having to do his part by laying off the double cheeseburgers in the future. Everyone in the locker room erupted in applause and laughter and left to finish getting dressed to return to class.

It was not until everyone was out of the area that Matt finally let in on just how much pain he was in. I helped him over to the bench and watched as he struggled to take off his PE clothes. Now again, you the reader are probably thinking I stepped in here being the true friend that I am and helped him get dressed. Wrong! I waited until he was completely in his under wear, immobile from the pain, and then snapped a picture with the camera I had hidden in my locker. Why did I have a camera? I do not really remember, but it was in there and I found an excellent use for it so I took it. Matt threatened to kill me then, but I ran laughing. I still have that picture and show it too him from time to time. The sad thing is when he turned to look at the camera, he actually gave me a huge smile. Little did he know he was actually cheesing for the camera!

Another time that really stood out during our senior year was during the Homecoming Dance. Matt was up for Homecoming King and was a part of the coronation ceremony. Homecoming coronation is a huge thing in Woodlawn, the entire population and local population all attend and watch in awe at the ceremony at hand. I was attending in support of my best friend, not aware just how much support was going to be needed.

At the time Matt was driving a vehicle we referred to as Big Blue. I am not sure of the exact make and model of the truck, but I do recall that it was enormous monster style truck that was pale blue in color. It was also loud enough to hear coming for miles and sucked gas like it was going out of style. When Matt would drive the truck to school from his home, he would actually have to go ahead and drive into Mt. Vernon after school got out to purchase gas to have enough in his tank to get back home and then back to school the next morning. Big Blue did not stay around very long before Matt switched to a little more fuel cost beneficial Ford Ranger. But at the time of the event involving Homecoming, Big Blue was still his primary source of transportation.

Matt had pulled into the parking lot that night fully dressed in his tuxedo and ready to accompany his partner and date Karen into the coronation ceremony. It had rained a little that day and numerous pockets of mud puddles were scattered all over the high school’s parking lot. Matt, unaware of his exact location because he was unable to scout much of his lower surroundings due to the size of his vehicle, parked Big Blue directly within the center of a large mud puddle. He put his vehicle in park and opened his door. He stepped out into the parking lot not looking down before doing so. What he found was a huge, deep, wet mud hole. The water extended almost to his right knee cap covering the leg of his black tuxedo pants with a tremendous splash of mud. He jumped clear of the puddle the best that he could but still managed to get some of the mud on his left leg as well.

Of course Karen was in the truck with him and when she climbed out and came around to his side of the vehicle she almost had a heart attack and died at that instant in the parking lot. Of course she was not primarily concerned with how Matt looked. No by no means, she was more concerned by how this was going to make her look. Matt felt horrible.

Lucky for him, Matt’s mother had pulled into the parking lot behind them and witnessed the entire situation. She moved Matt into the high school as quickly as possible, the ceremony was to begin within the half hour. This is when I ran into them.

Matt’s mother ushered us down the hallway and we found an empty classroom at the end of the hall. We all went inside.

“Take off your pants.” This was a weird request coming from his mom but he concurred. “I’m going to take these to the bathroom and wash them the best that I can. You stay here and I’ll bring them back.”

At that point, both his date Karen and his mother Karen left to wash the pants in the bathroom. Matt began to become himself as he stood there in his upper portion of his tuxedo, his underwear, and his black socks. He began to dance around giving his best (or should I say worst) impersonations of Michael Jackson and his Moonwalk move to John Travolta and his classic Staying Alive dance. I just stood back and laughed.

“You are just jealous because you don’t have the moves and the abilities I do.” He said as he danced on the newly waxed floor in his dress socks. I looked and watched as he moved and backed closer and closer to the door. I couldn’t resist.

“Oh really?” I said as I made my way towards him. He nodded in agreement.

“I am a dancing machine! Owwww!” I watched as he threw both hands in the air as Rocky Balboa did in the scenes from Rocky when he reached the top of the stairs in Philadelphia after his training montages. He had to pay for his narcissism.

I am not really sure what made me to do it, nor am I entirely sure what was going through my mind at the time. But I approached him as he spun to face the door with his back to me and I pushed.

Now, it was bad enough that I was pushing him on a slick floor and he was in black dress socks, but Matt put his hands out in defense and they landed upon the door handle. The handle he caught stopped his fall, but for only a matter of moments. It was then that the door handle twisted and his weight forced the door open. Matt spilled out onto the hallway floor with a sickening thud, spread eagle whitie tities.

What happened then seemed to occur in slow motion. I realized what I had done and moved as quickly as I could, but I felt as if I was tredging through hot melting wax like those characters were doing in the end of the House of Wax remake (not really sure why I used this simile here just that I am watching the movie now as I type). When I managed to get to the door I stuck my head out hoping that no one had noticed Matt and the terrible situation he or I had gotten himself into. I look down the hall and was relieved. A number of people in dress clothing were down the hall lined up at the one soda machine in the whole high school campus. They had not noticed him yet. I had time. I reached out for both of his ankles and grabbed on. I set to pull him in like a fisherman would pull in a prize catch. Then the noise came. The sound of laughter erupted and fled down the hall towards my ears and Matt’s.

I looked down the hall. Everyone that had been distracted by the soda machine had now turned their attentions toward the scene I was participating in down at the end of the hallway. They were all pointing and laughing hysterically. I finally broke my sudden paralysis and pulled Matt back into the room. He slid easily across the wax floor, his exposed stomach making a sickening squeak that permeated up the hall. I shut the door behind him.

Matt looked at me with an evil look. It was the second time in my life that I knew I was going to suffer and die. Die a very painful and agonizing death. The other time was when I had encounter Stoney and his regiment of Heads that I had described earlier. But I knew I had survived that incident and thought that I would surely survive this one as well. I opened my mouth to apologize, but was cut off by a sound so odd at the time, but relaxing and relieving at the same time. Matt was laughing!

I found the noise to be contagious. I really couldn’t help myself and I joined in. Soon, his mom was knocking out the door and came in with his pants, clean and ready to go. I stuck around to help him get into them and then went to the coronation. Matt did not get King that night, but again, such an incident made him a King in my book.



Chapter 2.1 The High School Years

The High School Years

Chapter 2.1

Even though Matt and I had made acquaintances, we were pretty much just that, acquaintances. Nothing more than casual friends and of course the ever important Bathroom Buddies. I knew that Matt and I seemed to be hitting it off, but I knew better than to think that he was an actual friend as of yet. Too many other false alarms had already gone off at the high school level and I had come to notice that most of the breathing, living population of the high school were pretty much wastes of space. Still, I kept talking and hanging out with Matt.

We had numerous classes together. Matt and I would constantly joke back and forth with each other. Freshman year came and went and Matt and I continued to increase our friendship style relationship. Matt was the true ladies man and began to date a girl named Karen. Karen ended up being the individual attached to his hip and I saw less and less of Matt during my sophomore and junior years. Again from time to time Matt and I would get a class together or have PE with one another and if Karen was not around, we would have a heck of a time.

Nothing against Karen, because at the time she truly did care about him. It’s just that she was very possessive of him and would not let him have a lick of fun. He had to act a certain way, dress a certain way, even talk a certain way when she was around. But let me tell you, when she was not around, Matt was a different individual entirely! We would carry on and have the time of our lives at high school, basically just doing and saying stupid stuff or making fun of those around us. Some people may criticize me for making such a statement about us making fun of others. My feelings are…if you take the time to make fun of yourself first than you have the right to have fun with others. Matt and I knew that we were not perfect, far from it. We would constantly make fun of each other and ourselves. So you see, we met the qualification just stated. However, Matt and I never did it out meanness or disrespect. We usually used the material the individuals were already using themselves.

By the time senior year rolled around, Matt and I seemed to have a change in relationship. Though we did not spend a great deal of time together, what time we did spend around each other made our relationship stronger. Matt got a job at the McDonalds in Mt. Vernon and me at the Long John Silvers in Mt. Vernon. On several occasions I would work until close at my store, get off just before McDonalds would lock their doors, and then go down to see Matt at his place of employment.

While there, Matt would give me all kinds of free food! This was before the time of closed circuit television cameras to monitor employees at fast food restaurants. Matt would meet me at the counter, take my order, act like he was ringing it in, push a button for the register to open, take my money in one hand, and then hand me the same amount of money back saying it was my change from the purchase. I would then take my Big Macs or Quarter Pounders with fries out to a table. Matt would lock the store doors and then grab some food for himself and sit with me to shoot the breeze.

I remember one occasion that stands out about this illegal contraband of food. Though it really is not all that significant in the scheme of life, it is a fond memory of our fast food days and I have to include it here. I went to visit Matt after work on a Friday night like I always did. By this time he held some sort of managerial position within the store. I had had a long night at Long Johns and really did not feel like any more grease on my stomach so I just asked Matt for a shake.

“What size would you like?”

“I don’t care.” I remember responding. “Whatever size you’ll give me.”

It was during this time that Matt’s supervisor was beginning to cut down on the handing out of free food items and had begun to watch employees like a hawk. Matt had to be more and more creative in supplying me with my free items. On countless occasions I told him that I would gladly pay for the morsels, but he refused to let me pay. Why pay for something when it was going to go into the trash moments later?

“Large then?”

“Sure,” I responded.

That’s when Matt had eyed my monster cup from Long Johns. Long John Silvers had just released one of the largest sodas available in fast food history, the 64 ounce monster drink. Matt saw my cup and snatched it. He shook it and looked at me.

“Are you done with this?” He asked. I nodded. He then took the cup over to the sink and dumped out the remaining ice. That’s when I suddenly realized what he was about to do.

I watched from the other side of the counter as he proceeded to fill the 64 ounce cup with strawberry shake. Now, some of you might be thinking right now that this really is not that big of a deal, but keep in mind that back in the early 90’s, the largest shake that was available at McDonalds was the 12 ounce size.

Matt tried to top the cup off towards the very edge. That is where the trouble hit. Waiting too late to stop the flow of the frozen goodness, the ice cream began to expand over the top of the cup, out onto the spill grate, and onto the red tile floor below. Both Matt and I began to laugh at the pink eruption that was occurring. Our laughter began to cease however as Matt’s manager, who was there for some sort of monthly inventory exercise, yelled from the back. He was on his way up to the front counter!

Matt moved like lightning taking the cup, slamming the lid down upon the paper container sending more pink ice cream onto the floor. He tossed it onto the counter and I snatched it up just in time for the manager to come around the corner and get a visual of Matt, myself, and the shake.

“Hey,” he said to me. The manager knew who I was because of my frequent visits to stop in and see Matt. I nodded in response. His glance fell to my enormous cup now bleeding its pink contents all over the floor. “What is that?” he asked. Stunned, I did not know what to say. Enter Matt who always had all of the answers.

“That is the new shakes they are offering down at Long Johns.”

I held back the urge to laugh.

“No kidding. Those things are huge!” That was all that was said and the manager turned to head back into the direction he came. I looked at Matt, he looked at me and we broke into laughter. Just an example of one of our many times of close calls.

Chaper 1.3

Chapter 1.3

JMH Meets

Now, where I met Matt. It was during one of these lunch survival sessions where I met my brother. I was sitting down on the comfortable, hard, no back wooden bleachers when a voice chimed soothingly like that of my grandmother’s grandfather clock.

“Hey. Can I have a grape?” That was the first words Matt ever said to me. I turned to look and saw him for the first time. I knew a good thing when I saw it, an actual conversation with some other being besides my twin sister, a kid with a huge balding spot on the back of his head (which I will have remain nameless), a student who jabbered in such an intelligible voice that it sounded as if he was not speaking a lick of the English language though he was (he too shall remain nameless, though I found out surprisingly that he ended up becoming a science professor at a community college years later. How his students understood him I will never know!).

Matt was a young man of taller stature than me at that time. He stood almost five feet eight and weighed about 130 pounds. What stood for me about Matt was his mustache. As a freshman, myself included, there was a lack of facial hair in existence. Matt was not lacking in the area of facial hair. He had what some people call the “dirty Mexican” mustache. It was a thick one too.

“Sure.” I responded holding out my hand that held the grapes residing in the small zip lock bag. I was one of the few that brought my lunch to school. The first couple of days I brought it in some sort of theme style lunch box. To my dismay, I saw that I was the only one who was dumb and childish enough to do such a thing, save for my twin sister, but she does not count because she comes from the same moronic family. I then decided to switch to the small disposal brown paper sacks to hide my lunch. It was still childish and geekish to bring my lunch to school since all of the “cool” kids used the advantage to our high school’s open campus rule and headed to the local grocery store or gas station (which by the way did not sell gas of any kind…just sugar coated goodies and the illegal sale of cigarettes to underage teens). I did not, however, become part of this Kooldom until later on in my high school years.

After Matt had munched upon a few grapes, we began to talk about ourselves, our families, and where we had come from. Matt was a pretty straight forward guy to talk to. It was during these discussions that we finally got to the conversation that each other was waiting to be brought up, but did not have the guts to ask, say, or discuss first. The idea of a Bathroom Buddy.

Matt was mine. Now, I know the title of Bathroom Buddy sounds sick in a weird sort of way, but it actually was a key to survival during my freshman year. We would go to the bathroom at lunch at the same time. This way, we would have each other’s back in case of some sort of incident would occur, such as my trash can stage earlier on. I am happy to announce that our system was a success and neither one of us were trashed, humiliated, or harmed in any way during the rest of our freshman high school year. Little did I know that the Bathroom Buddy of mine would grow to become something larger on a grander scale!

Chapter 1.2

Chapter 1.2

JMH Meets

One day at lunch I took this false sense of security with me to the bathroom. Being the self proclaimed genius that I am, I took the back hallway, the less traveled of the only two hallways often referred to as Freshman Hallway. Successfully, I made it there, the entire time watching my back, turning constantly even while pissing not wanting to fall victim to that dreaded thing called a swirley. Having done my business successfully, I returned towards the gym following the same route that I had taken to get to my must needed location.

I entered Freshman Hallway almost finding myself whistling with pleasure and comfort. Now, even though I am not the brightest individual at times (I know I stated that I was a genius earlier but this is my book so I can pretty much do and say what I want) I should have caught that no one else was around in the hall except a group of upper classmen towards the end of the hall with a trashcan in the center of them. An obvious sense of foreshadowing should have transpired within my noggin at that time, especially being the lover of writing and literature that I was and still am. Yet, no such thing transpired and I continued heading down the hallway nodding at these individuals as if they were the closest allies I had ever had in my entire life of existence. Their voices were what snapped me back to reality.

“Hey Greenie!”

I was thrilled. These upper classmen were actually addressing me! And Greenie. What a cute nickname. I was always one for nicknames having gone through pretty much all of my upper grade school years under the nickname of Pooky. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, Pooky was the teddy bear of one famous cat Garfield. How I came about attaining this name is actually quite funny and frightening, but this is a story for another time.

“Have you ever seen the inside of a trashcan Greenie?”

Again, an intriguing question. I had viewed the inside of a trash can on several occasions, as it was my responsibility at home to spray out our trashcans once a week before filling them the hordes of weekly garbage. But were they really wanting to hear my response discussing the various interesting intricate patterns made from damp left over tea bags? I was not sure how to respond to this question so I just decided not to answer.

“We are talking to you man. Come over here.”

I followed the request and moved to the small group from what I remember being about four individuals. It was at this point that I began to get a funny feeling and also began to realize that these individuals were not the Disney friendly type of people that I was hoping to meet. One long haired individual stepped forward and put his arm on my tiny sloped shoulder.

I identified him immediately as Stoney, leader of the Sidestreet Heads. These were the individuals with long hair and smoked on the streets across from the high school gawking at everyone as if they would gut them it they were looked at wrong.

“Sit in the trash can.”

A voice answered before I could realize what was coming out of my mouth. This voice, though not sounding familiar, ended up being my own.

“No.”

No. What was I thinking? I had just told a man named S-T-O-N-E-Y no! I knew then that I was going to die. Going to suffer a long agonizing death. I prepared to meet my doom at the hands of Lord Stoney.

“What?”

“No.”

I could not believe it. I told this man of evil NO again. Now I was sure my doom was at hand.

“I am going to ask you one more time Greenie.” The Stoney Man leaned in close, the smell of Marlboro upon his breath. “Get in the trash can. Get in the trash can now!”

Sensing that I should be grateful that I still had a pulse coursing through my frail body, I this time did as was requested. I sat in the three foot high trash can as the laughter erupted. Though I was not a strong religious individual at the time, I began to pray. I recited the Lord’s Prayer, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and even the Good Food Prayer. After I got through all of those religious presentations, I opened my eyes awaiting what would fall upon me. To my surprise my attackers had backed away.

Now, I know you readers are thinking this is where Matt Hails comes in to save the day. After all, this book is the Chronicles of JMH, how we met, and our adventures and lessons learned. Also, here we are at page ten and we should be getting to us meeting. But it was not him that saved me.

Up at the top of the hallway stood my cousin Kenny Benjamin. Kenny was not only my cousin. He was a six foot two inch senior basketball player and pretty much the King of the Jocks. He was the one coming to my aide.

“Leave him alone.” I heard him say. I watched as the Heads evaporated from the area like a cloud of ectoplasm. “That is my cousin.”

Ahh! My hero! Kenny proceeded to tell me to get out of the can. He also stated that if anyone else threatened me or tried to trash me to let him know and he would take care of the situation. I am sure I was grinning from ear to ear at this moment. It was at this point that I realized one of the most important aspects of freshman survival. Travel to the restroom in packs!

Chapter 1.1

Chapter 1.1

JMH Meets

It all began back in August of 1988. I was beginning my freshman year at the great metropolis of Woodlawn…population of 100 people if you counted all pets, farm animals, rodents, and insects along with the people during the census period. I had gone to Woodlawn Grade School since fifth grade and lived with both parents and two sisters, one two years younger and one a twin sister. We lived in the country just between Woodlawn and Centralia close to the city of Richview.

I was extremely nervous about starting high school. Though a great deal of the same people were accompanying me from the grade school to the high school, a good number of my friends were not attending Woodlawn High School’s district and were going to Mt. Vernon High School instead. This meant starting over somewhat in developing those close to me.

I have never really been a person who made friends easily. Even to this day I have had numerous acquaintances whom I have been friendly with who would say in their opinion that we were friends. But the term friend to me is a sacred word. Before meeting Matt I had only two people that I had considered to be a true individual to label as a friend. One of these individuals I had left in the small town of Oakland, Illinois when my family and I had moved to Woodlawn at the end of my fourth grade year. The other individual was leaving me after the eighth grade, his father was a doctor and wanted him to attend a private school for his high school years. Thus my feelings of nervousness grew. I had no one to rely on, no strength and foundation to look to. Just numerous simple “acquaintances” to aide me as I tackled the new realm of high school.

I remember meeting Matt for the first time quite vividly. But before I go into the story behind that, I must first paint the scene of the high school. Growing up, I have always been use to small community school systems. Well, Woodlawn was just that. Housing only 125 students TOTAL and only containing two separate hallways, it was pretty much impossible to get around the campus without running into someone several times a day. Now this is okay when one is dealing with his friends or acquaintances, but it is not something one finds as a positive experience as a freshman in the new pond waters of a school system. As a freshman, one is generally trying to fit and blend in with their natural surroundings, a walking camouflage individual if you will. But the way Woodlawn High School was set up, this was an impossibility.

Dealing with such a set up, the thirty of us making up the freshman class of 1988 soon found out that the best offense against the stalking of upper classman was a good and simple defense. We basically hung together in the school’s gym. Passing from class to class was fine. The halls were completely crowded and the teachers and administration were observing what was transpiring within their beloved two hallways. It was before school, after school, and lunch time that were the worst times. During these time periods, teachers and administration both became as obsolete as a dollar during Christmas time. It was during these times that we all decided that our best chance for survival was to hang in the gym together, as one massive group.

At first I thought this was a terrible strategy, as it simply made us out to be an easier form of a target for our attackers. And at first it seemed like it would be this way. Countless upper classmen would circle around us like a flock of buzzards, heckling and throwing any projectile they could get their hands on. Though threatening at first, we soon found out that these upper classmen were the ones on the lower end of the food chain. Terrifying at first, but as soon as the group let them know they were not really scary, they left and waited for other options of torture. I mean think about it. Thirty students against two seniors who could have passed for members of the Smurf clan. Even though upper classmen can be terrifying, these two did not rank in this atmosphere.

However, though positive at the moment, these experiences soon gave freshmen, including myself, a false sense of hope and security. I actually began to believe that the upper classmen were beginning to accept me as an individual. All eighty pounds, five feet, four eye faced me. I soon found this not to be true.

The Story Begins...The Chronicles of JMH

Prelude

A wise man once told me, “Best friends are better than brothers. You get stuck with a brother whether you like them or not. A best friend, you get to weed out those that don’t qualify.” The same wise man also told me on numerous occasions, “Don’t take any wooden nickels.” Though feeling his first comment was very deep on some sort of cosmic level, I was taken aback by his second piece of advice. Wooden nickel? I had never even seen a wooden nickel!

The wise man, or should I say wiseass, I am referring to would be my best friend, my brother Matt Hails. In today’s world, life is hard. We all have our ups and downs, our ins and outs…some more than others. Having someone such as Matt in my life has made my life more livable…more tolerable.

Matt and I have been through a great deal in our lives. We have done quite a bit of traveling, seeing what the world had to offer, or at least the continental United States of America! We experienced the wonderful realms of music, seeking out concert event after concert event and opening our minds to not only what the musicians had to offer, but what those around us in the audience had to share as well. We sought out adventures in our own back yards seeking out places to explore and finding excitement to our hearts content. We have even been through heart breaks, deaths, and devastation, only to bounce back stronger for having to deal with such events.

Whatever the case, Matt Hails and I have been pretty much through it all. Growing up and growing older, we have always lived life to the fullest. We have always set out to enjoy what life had to offer, often getting more of a kick out of what was going on than any normal sane individual would. Our lives have been filled with fun, adventure, and laughter. I always told Matt that someday I would sit down and chronicle all of our crazy hijinks. Put together all of those stories we have been sharing orally with anyone who will listen. The stories that we laugh at, and laugh at, and laugh at over and over no matter how many times we hear or share them.

So here it is. The Chronicles of JMH. These stories are the events that have defined our lives as friends and brothers. These are the stories of the events that have caused us to grow not only closer together, but grow as individuals as well. These are the stories that define one Jeremy Mays and one Matt Hails. These are the stories of JMH...



SOTD - The Woman I Love

Another reason for me to keep holding on...MH

SOTD - Let You Down

I'll never...MH

SOTD - You Are The Best Thing

You please me and you don't even have to try...MH

Huh?

"Please other door" Not sure I know how to do that. Is that even legal?

"inconvience" Spell check anyone?

Former spelling bee champion...MH